Smile, You're in Los Angeles: Neptune's Net

Neptune's Net gets 5 Smiles, despite the fact that the bathrooms are port-a-potties and that the fried seafood offerings aren't really that tasty. Everything else about this place is awesome.

Oh, Net, how I love you. Let me count the ways.

The drive there. The Net is in Ventura County. If you live somewhere in central LA, you'll have to drive 30 miles up the coast. Normally, I'm kind of a 5 mile radius or bust kind of girl, but this ride is on the PCH, a road which makes me fall in love with Los Angeles all over again every time I'm there. The trip is best taken on a motorcycle or in a convertible, so you get the full effect of the cool ocean wind and the smell of salt.

The wall of libations. Once you get in line to order your food, you walk past a whole wall of drink options, alcoholic and otherwise. If you like beer, this is a great place to get a cold one. They have random sissy drinks too, like Mike's brand margarita in a bottle, and 40 oz. bottles of Smirnoff Ice.

The amazing bbq pork sandwich with cole slaw on top.

Bitchin' people watching. The Net is basically a biker bar. You don't have to be a biker to go here (although it does enhance the experience), but you will see plenty of them. Harley's, crotch rockets, scooters (well, I've never seen a scooter other than mine, but whatever), old biker men and their old biker babe passengers, wizened, leathery skin, leather pants stretched tight over bulging fupas, and yellowed Wilford Brimley mustaches. If you're lucky, you'll catch a glimpse of the old biker babe hairdo, which is basically a ponytail that's held down by several layers of scrunchies, often multi-colored.

Outdoor seating. Watch the waves while you eat!

The view. After lunch, walk across the highway and take in the waves, surfers, and occasional dolphin sighting.

Know before you go:

As I said at the beginning, there are only port-a-potties, so pee before you leave home.

You'll kind of look like a pussy if you show up in a car, so try to get a friend with a motorcycle to take you. I mean, don't not go if you don't want to get on a motorcycle, but know that I will judge you, even if nobody else does.

Unless you happen to live in Malibu or Ventura County, going to the Net is kind of a deal, so make a day of it. Go to the beach, or check out one of the many fun hikes around the area. I would suggest Solstice Canyon. You can also head up Topanga Canyon for some hippie fun at Hidden Treasures or for a margarita at Abuelita's.

Apparently they sell seafood that you can take home to cook (lobsters, etc), and also frozen custard. So go grab a beer, and then take some lobsters home for dinner.